Marks Just Jokes | Making Pumpkin Pie
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Marks Just Jokes Are My Testicles Black?
Black Testicles....Funny!!!!!!!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an Oxygen mask over his mouth and nose still heavily sedated From a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.
A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath."Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles Black?"
Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse Replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upperBody and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about His testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishlyPulls back the sheets
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully Takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around; She examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.
She reassuringly tells the man, "Sir, there's nothing wrong With them."
With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and Pulls off his oxygen mask.. With an unusually contented smile,He says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen To me very, very closely."
"ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an Oxygen mask over his mouth and nose still heavily sedated From a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.
A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath."Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles Black?"
Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse Replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upperBody and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about His testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishlyPulls back the sheets
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully Takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around; She examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.
She reassuringly tells the man, "Sir, there's nothing wrong With them."
With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and Pulls off his oxygen mask.. With an unusually contented smile,He says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen To me very, very closely."
"ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?”
Marks Just Jokes My Lazy Dog Wants Welfare
I just signed my dog up for welfare. Do you think he's eligible? He's black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English & has no frigging idea who his daddy is!
Politically Incorrect Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes
Marks Just Jokes and How The U.S. Government Operates
It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night..
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism..
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
Political Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night..
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism..
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
Political Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes
Marks Just Jokes Suggest Drafting Old Guys Over 60
Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us Old GuysYou shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old Guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old Guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head...
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..
Let us Old Guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them..
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it
Old Fart Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us Old GuysYou shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old Guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old Guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head...
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..
Let us Old Guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them..
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it
Old Fart Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes
Friday, November 27, 2009
Marks Just Jokes Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So? You teach him responsibility and help him find a job so he can buy a cow.
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
This Political humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So? You teach him responsibility and help him find a job so he can buy a cow.
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
This Political humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes
Dear Grim Reaper,
So far this year, you have taken away my favorite dancer, Michael Jackson, my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite comedian, Soupy Sales, my favorite pitchman, Billy Mays and my favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon.
Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Thank you
Political Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes
So far this year, you have taken away my favorite dancer, Michael Jackson, my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite comedian, Soupy Sales, my favorite pitchman, Billy Mays and my favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon.
Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Thank you
Political Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Marks Just Jokes Great Sayings From Great People
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
-Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
-George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
-Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
Marks Just Jokes
-Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
-George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
-Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
Marks Just Jokes
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Marks Just Jokes Announces Apple ITiT
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Marks Just Jokes - The Deaf Wife
The Deaf Wife
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'Frank , for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!'
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'Frank , for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!'
Marks Just Jokes - Embarrassing Moments In Medicine
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch.... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly asked. . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.....
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch.... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly asked. . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.....
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Mark's Just Jokes - Ever Wonder Why?
Only in America
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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