Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Marks Just Jokes on Divorce Court
Divorce Court
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, ’Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?’
Phil replies, ’Yes Judge, that is correct.’
’And how do you explain this unusual conduct?’ the judge inquires.
Phil replies, ’I didn’t want to interrupt her Your Honor.’
Marks Just Jokes
Divorce Court
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, ’Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?’
Phil replies, ’Yes Judge, that is correct.’
’And how do you explain this unusual conduct?’ the judge inquires.
Phil replies, ’I didn’t want to interrupt her Your Honor.’
Marks Just Jokes
Divorce Court
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Marks Just Jokes Speaks To Five Surgeons
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the bestpatients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountantson my operating table because when you open them up, everythinginside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should tryelectricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really thinklibrarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I likeconstruction workers...Those guys always understand when you have afew parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when heobserved: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and thehead and the ass are interchangeable.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountantson my operating table because when you open them up, everythinginside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should tryelectricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really thinklibrarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I likeconstruction workers...Those guys always understand when you have afew parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when heobserved: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and thehead and the ass are interchangeable.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
What Causes Arthritis? Ask The Pope
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned.
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned.
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
$280,000 Mortgage
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Kansas Sheriff
A Kansas Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural KS and talks with an old farmer.He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Sheriff verbally explodes, saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge, Smart-ass!
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Sheriff verbally explodes, saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge, Smart-ass!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Seniors and The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the Lufkin , Texas Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch , andwatch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed backand forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyesfollowed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch , andwatch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed backand forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyesfollowed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
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