Just Jokes The Worlds Shortest Books

The World's Shortest Books

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by Tiger Woods

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
THE SEQUEL
by Bill Clinton

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE...
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)
by O. J. Simpson

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson

AND JUST ADDED:
HOW TO GET PEOPLE TO LIKE ME
by Nancy Pelosi

Marks Just Jokes, You May Be A Taliban If...

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat

Marks Just Jokes Tiger Woods New Disney Movie

Marks Just Jokes Brings You A Brand New Disney Movie Featuring "Tiger Woods"

"THE LYIN' KING" Starring "TIGER WOODS"

More Tiger Woods Jokes brougth to you by Marks Just Jokes

Got A Match?

Jay Leno, Jeopardy, Abe Lincoln, W. and Buttcrack Osammy

Border Security Solution

Casa D'Ice, "Guaranteed Solution To Our Border Security Forget The Fence Set Up DUI Check Points."

Casa D' Ice Push One For English

Casa D' Ice "Why Is It After I Push One For English I Still Can't Understand The Person On The Other End?"

Casa D'Ice Humor Brought To You By Marks Just Jokes

Oldies But Goodies For Boomers

Some of the artists of the50’s and 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least: (my favorite)

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

Old Folks Humor Brought To You By Marks Just Jokes.

EMooning Emoticons

EMOONING

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!

More politcally incorrect humar brought to you by Marks Just Jokes.

Once Upon A Time A Long Time Ago There Was A Woman...

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain.
But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.


More humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes.

Heaviest Element Yet Known To Science (Gv) Governmentium

Heaviest Element Yet Known to Science: (Gv)

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv) , has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

More politically incorrect but American Correct is brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes A Tiger Woods Thanksgiving

I hear that the argument with Tiger and his wife started over Thanksgiving dinner when he asked his wife if he could have another piece of white meat...

More Irrevelant Humor from Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Wine Versus Water

Wine vs. Water

This is interesting! And to paraphrase W.C. Fields,
I don't drink water, because fish shit in it..

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit!.

More unacceptable humor from Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Detroit Replaces K9s On Police Force

FROM THE DETROIT POLICE CHIEF:

THE CITY OF DETROIT POLICE DEPARTMENT HAS ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT ALL GERMAN SHEPHERD POLICE DOGS WILL BE REPLACED BY COON HOUNDS, DUE TO THE FACT THAT THE CITY IS NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS WITH GERMANS..

WARNING: If you laughed at this e-mail, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Barack Obama and Rev. Wright will be comin' over to kick your honky ass!

More offbeat humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Presents The 2009 Darwin Awards Depleting The Gene Pool To Laughter

Darwin Award Nominees 2009

Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees.

"The Darwins " are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.

Here is the official 2009 list.

Notice the interesting spin for this year's first place award which comes to us - from of all places, Arkansas. How surprising is that?

This year’s nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: ( San Jose Mercury News):

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: ( Kalamazoo Gazette):

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft.

Nominee No. 3: ( Hickory Daily Record):

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: (UPI, Toronto ):

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings' windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5: (The News of the Weird):

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff’s investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: (Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ):

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. “Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred,” said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony.."

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: ( Arkansas Democrat Gazette):

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole ’s pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 calibre bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After travelling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate again as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his n**s off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole ’s wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Priorities, after all!!

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

Marks Just Jokes Are You A Man Or A Girlie Man?? Take The Man Test

THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet....Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!'

Now think about how you call a cat....'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Yep, you're queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord.

A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pig's feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or fourdifferent types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk ata slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.

Marks Just Jokes Irish Jokes "He's An Ass"

The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation with a vehement sermon that alcohol was the work of the devil.

"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"

A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"

The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure, I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass!"

Marks Just Jokes No Nativity Scene In Washington This Year!

No nativity this Christmas in D.C.

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Marks Just Jokes Hundreds Of Thousands Of Protesters Against Global Warming

Marks Just Jokes LIttle Johnny Christmas And Tiger Woods

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?

Before Little Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Little Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Little Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Little Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Little Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Little Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Litttle Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Little Johnny replied: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

More Tiger Woods Humor Brought To You By Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Will Al Sharpton Stop At Nothing To Prove What A Biggot He Is

The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses.

Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative affect on the black community, specifically young black girls.

“Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem.

“What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over?

Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?”

Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women.

Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines.

Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community.”

Brought to you by Marks Just Jokes We surely hope that this is a joke!

Marks Just Jokes More Christmas Wishes From Tiger Woods

Merry Christmas From Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Offers Tigers Woods New Book

Tiger Woods New Book, How To Get In 18 Holes Without Your Wife Finding Out

Marks Just Jokes and the Robot Caddie

An eager golfer approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, 'I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.'

The man behind the counter says, 'The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.'

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, 'I think my driver will do the job.'

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, 'No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.'

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, 'I think this green is gonna break left to right.'

The robot then again spoke up and said, 'No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left'

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, 'How was your game ?'

The golfer stated, 'It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.

See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.

Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, 'I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.'

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, 'Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.'

Confused, the golfer cried, 'COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible'

The man sighed and said, 'Well, it wasn't their performance.

It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way.

The golfer said, 'So then why didn't you just paint them black?'

The man nodded sadly and replied, 'We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other ran for President.'

Imagine that...Go Figure...Who, if they'll admit it, were too stupid to vote for this

Marks Just Jokes Tiger Woods And Santa Claus

What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa Claus stops after three Ho's

Marks Just Jokes Passin Gas At Home Depot

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shity ourself' Road-Kill Chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it,the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning.'

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired awarning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate. Have youever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It'was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh, My, God,' floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch,! did it smell that bad when you ate it?,' then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!,' then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in Court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Just Jokes brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Chicago Pig Noises

A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"

I guess there aren't many farms in Chicago.

Marks Just Jokes Dick In A Truck Or Just Bad Driving

It has happened to all of us... You're driving along just minding your own business, when all of a sudden -- without any warning, some Dick In A Truck pulls out right in front of you...

Marks Just Jokes Wall Mart Greeter

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Marks Just Jokes Gives A Grammar Lesson

DYSFUNCTION

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure forerectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.

And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should NEVER end our sentences with a preposition.
One could end up with a dangling participle...

Marks Just Jokes and Illegal Immigrants

I never new this!

Have you ever noticed that if you
rearrange the letters in "Illegal Immigrants"
and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you freeloading,
benifit grabbing, kid-producing, violent,
non-english speaking cocksuckers and
take those hairy-faced, sandal wearing,
bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag
head bastards with you."

How weird is that?

Marks Just Jokes How About That $800?

A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out, when the doorbell rings.

She quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens the door to Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, she drops it and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Wrapping herself in the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks:'Who was that?''It was Bob the next door neighbor' she replies.'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Marks Just Jokes Men Fight Back

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle it!

Marks Just Jokes Spelling Bee Champ

SPELLING BEE CHAMP:

My name be Eboneesha Herenandez, a African Hispanic-American Girl who just got a award for being the bess speler in class. I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points being black, 5 points for not bringin drugs into class, 5 points for not bringin guns into class, and 5 points for not gettin pregnut during the cemester. It be hard to beat a score of 120%. White dude who sit nex to me is McGee from Ocala He got a 94% on the test but no extra points on acount of he have the same skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago.

Granny ax me to thank all Dimocrafts and Liberuls for suportin Afermative action. You be showin da way to true eqwallity. I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor when Barrac take over da healtcare in dis cuntry.

Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Asian Fluctuations

Failure to communicate:I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.Short line. Just one lady in front of me. She was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

Marks Just Jokes Asian Fluctuations

Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Wishes All A Happy Thanksgiving

Just think..........
If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey
instead of a turkey, we would all be having
a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!!

Marks Just Jokes Lost Your Job To A Mexican?

Marks Just Jokes

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING GUM

Marks Just Jokes A Muslim At The Pearly Gates

A Muslim at The Pearly Gates

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.
And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter.
he climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy.
he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,
he discovers an even larger room
where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs,
ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room
where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps,
as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son...I am God. But you look exhausted.
Would you like a coffee?'

'Yes, please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'



Keep your trust in God;
The government has failed you miserably!

Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes They Walk Among Us

McDonald’s

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window And I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, "You gave me too much money."
I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my Request.I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.

SEARS

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 Horsepower.He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4
Horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, "NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since. Happened in Ottawa.

DEER CROSSING

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour Call the local township administrative office to request the Removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too Many deers are being hit by cars out here. I don't think this is A good place for them to be crossing anymore."
Story from Collingwood, Ontario.

TACO BELL

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She Asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'. He Said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Winnipeg, Manitoba.

AIRPORT

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport Employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without Your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I Know?"He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Toronto, Ontario.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

IN TORONTO...is it not the city of losers( Jays, Leafs, Argos and on)

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the Street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-Worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I Explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing Driving?"She is a government employee in Toronto

AT A CAR DEALERSHIP

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to Pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We Went to the service department and found a mechanic working
Feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from The passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and Discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it is open!"
His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Guelph, Ontario.


STAY ALERT! They walk among us...

Marks Just Jokes Catholic Confessional Leads

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you..'

The priest sighs in frustration.

'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get?'

 

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Marks Just Jokes Tigers Woods Jokes They Just Keep Coming!

The police asked Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren how many times she hit him. "I don't know exactly...put me down for a 5."

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger Woods' wife to pick up tips on how to beat Tiger.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah

Tiger was driving an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

Hello, Mr. Woods. This is the On Star operator. We have detected that an angry person has put a golf club through your window. We've called Nike. A new club is on its way.

Who among us doesn't hear a car crash and immediately grab the closest golf club we can find??!!

Tiger's new movie: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Poor choice; he should have gone with the driver.

Marks Just Jokes Merry Christmas From Tiger Woods And Family

Merry Christmas, Homey

Tiger, And Family

Marks Just Jokes Tiger Woods Jokes

You knew they were coming...TIGER WOODS Jokes

Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between the wood or the iron.

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger has a better Driver.

We heard that Tiger Woods' wife has been interested in taking up golf. However, 2:30am does sound a bit of an odd time to start hitting your Woods.

Ping just offered Elin Nordegren an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are marketing them as "clubs you can beat Tiger Woods with."

News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger."

EA Sports has announced the recall of Tiger Woods 2010 so a new bonus level can be added called "Tiger VS The Driveway". A collector's edition will be sold with a free Wii steering wheel.

What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They're both clubbed by Scandinavians.
If you made it to work this morning, you have earned the right to say "I can out drive Tiger Woods."

Police: Did you hit your husband with the golf club.
Elin: Yes I hit him three or four times.
Police: Well which was it three or four?
Elin: Just put me down for three.

Marks Just Jokes Finally Reveals How Pumpkin Pie Is Actually Made

Marks Just Jokes | Making Pumpkin Pie

Marks Just Jokes Merry Christmas Bitch

Marks Just Jokes Are My Testicles Black?

Black Testicles....Funny!!!!!!!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an Oxygen mask over his mouth and nose still heavily sedated From a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.

A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath."Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles Black?"

Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse Replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upperBody and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about His testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishlyPulls back the sheets

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully Takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around; She examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.

She reassuringly tells the man, "Sir, there's nothing wrong With them."

With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and Pulls off his oxygen mask.. With an unusually contented smile,He says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen To me very, very closely."

"ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?”

Marks Just Jokes My Lazy Dog Wants Welfare

I just signed my dog up for welfare. Do you think he's eligible? He's black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English & has no frigging idea who his daddy is!

Politically Incorrect Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes and How The U.S. Government Operates

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night..

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism..

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

Political Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Suggest Drafting Old Guys Over 60

Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us Old GuysYou shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old Guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old Guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head...

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us Old Guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them..

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the first night!


Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it

Old Fart Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So? You teach him responsibility and help him find a job so he can buy a cow.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

This Political humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Dear Grim Reaper,

So far this year, you have taken away my favorite dancer, Michael Jackson, my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite comedian, Soupy Sales, my favorite pitchman, Billy Mays and my favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Thank you

Political Humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Great Sayings From Great People

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
-Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
-George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
-Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Announces Apple ITiT

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Marks Just Jokes - The Deaf Wife

The Deaf Wife

A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'Frank , for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!'

Marks Just Jokes - Embarrassing Moments In Medicine

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch.... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

7. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly asked. . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.....

Mark's Just Jokes - Ever Wonder Why?

Only in America
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Smart Blonde, Dumb Lawyer

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think

Marks Just Jokes Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES. '

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.

And, furthermore. ..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' -

She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' -

She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. '

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' -

She is a

'PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1.. He does not have a 'BEER GUT'...

He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. '
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS ' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.