Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Marks Just Jokes on Divorce Court
Divorce Court
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, ’Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?’
Phil replies, ’Yes Judge, that is correct.’
’And how do you explain this unusual conduct?’ the judge inquires.
Phil replies, ’I didn’t want to interrupt her Your Honor.’
Marks Just Jokes
Divorce Court
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, ’Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?’
Phil replies, ’Yes Judge, that is correct.’
’And how do you explain this unusual conduct?’ the judge inquires.
Phil replies, ’I didn’t want to interrupt her Your Honor.’
Marks Just Jokes
Divorce Court
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Marks Just Jokes Speaks To Five Surgeons
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the bestpatients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountantson my operating table because when you open them up, everythinginside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should tryelectricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really thinklibrarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I likeconstruction workers...Those guys always understand when you have afew parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when heobserved: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and thehead and the ass are interchangeable.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountantson my operating table because when you open them up, everythinginside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should tryelectricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really thinklibrarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I likeconstruction workers...Those guys always understand when you have afew parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when heobserved: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and thehead and the ass are interchangeable.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
What Causes Arthritis? Ask The Pope
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned.
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned.
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
$280,000 Mortgage
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Kansas Sheriff
A Kansas Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural KS and talks with an old farmer.He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Sheriff verbally explodes, saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge, Smart-ass!
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Sheriff verbally explodes, saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge, Smart-ass!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Seniors and The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the Lufkin , Texas Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch , andwatch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed backand forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyesfollowed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch , andwatch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed backand forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyesfollowed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Happy Birthday Monica Lewinsky
BIRTHDAY REMINDER!
This week we celebrate a special birthday:
Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they...?
This week we celebrate a special birthday:
Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they...?
Monday, July 6, 2009
Middle East Sons
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.
They start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully. He's a martyr now though'
mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other. And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly. 'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18, she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they...'
They start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully. He's a martyr now though'
mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other. And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly. 'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18, she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they...'
Just How Blonde Is She
She was So Blonde She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center
At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' she wrote 'Sagittarius.'
She Was So Blonde... She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept
She sent a fax with a stamp on it
Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'
She was So Blonde... She tripped over a cordless phone
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate.'
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
She was So Blonde... She studied for a blood test
She sold the car for gas money
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' she turned around and went home
She Was So Blonde.... When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening
She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.'
She is so Blonde... She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She thought General Motors was in the army
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center
At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' she wrote 'Sagittarius.'
She Was So Blonde... She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept
She sent a fax with a stamp on it
Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'
She was So Blonde... She tripped over a cordless phone
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate.'
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
She was So Blonde... She studied for a blood test
She sold the car for gas money
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' she turned around and went home
She Was So Blonde.... When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening
She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.'
She is so Blonde... She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
Earring Fashion Sense and The Wife
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative, macho fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.
He walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'
''Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'
The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative, macho fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.
He walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'
''Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Three Things To Consider
1) Zero Gravity
When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
(2) Our Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore.'
(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
(2) Our Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore.'
(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
Democrats Scare The Crap Out Of You
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore.
If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing it as a public service.
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore.
If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing it as a public service.
Liberals Against Our Veterans Again
A Harley rider is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page :
"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page :
"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
Nancy Pelosi Nude Pics
If you get an email entitled "Nude photos of Sarah Palin," don't open it.
It could contain a virus.
If you get an email entitled "Nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it.
It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.
It could contain a virus.
If you get an email entitled "Nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it.
It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.
Horse Country Obama Horses Ass
A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama come on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face,knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face,knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
Having A Bad Day? Send A Letter To A Terrorist
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
God is Good!
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
God is Good!
More Bad Days? Don't Tell A Pig
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
More Bad Days? Try Wearing Your Walkman
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Still Having A Bad Day? Better Than Being A Seal
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000..00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000..00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Having A Bad Day? Consider This
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These .
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner
Technical Customer Support From India
Technical Support - Keep The Following Pictures in Mind When You Can't Get Any Customer Support
The Supermarket
A new supermarket, called Fresh & Easy, has opened in Goodyear, Arizona.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Bacon For Life Only In Rural Florida
A Little Off The Beaten Path For Marks Just Jokes But A Celebration Of The Great Life In Rural Florida
Bacon For Life
The fellow in the pictures is Larry Earley. He lives about 30 miles from Orlando, in the very rural community of Okahumpka, just off the Florida turnpike in Lake County, Florida. He has 20 acres of land and on it, a few cows and horses. Mostly it's pasture land that is fenced with woods surrounding him.
He is neighbored by a larger cattle ranch.
His neighbor has complained for several years that wild hogs had been raiding his cattle feeders and salt licks.
Last month he saw what he thought was a cow in his pond and went to see if it was stuck in the mud and would have to be pulled out. When he got close enough to realize it was a hog, the thing made a charge at him. He had driven his truck down to the pond and carries a pistol in it (as any Florida redneck would, and I say that with genuine affection). He got his handgun and when it came at him again, he shot it twice and killed it.
Wild hogs in Florida usually run from 100-400 pounds with a 400 pounder being a monster.
Because this one had been feasting on grain for several years it had grown to mammoth size.
When Larry took it to the processor it weighed in at over 1100 pounds! The meat has no wild taste, as it was grain fed; and Larry is quite the hero. He has fed many fireman and provided the homeless shelter in downtown Orlando with a couple of meals. ...And you were worried about just gators in Florida !
Black Hurricanes
Black Hurricanes
It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about.
A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in street language that people can understand, because one of the problems in New Orleans was that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: a weatherman in Miami says:
Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin fo yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo! So grab yo chirren, yo ho, beleavin yo crib, and head fo da nearest guvment office fo yo FREE shit!
It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about.
A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in street language that people can understand, because one of the problems in New Orleans was that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: a weatherman in Miami says:
Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin fo yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo! So grab yo chirren, yo ho, beleavin yo crib, and head fo da nearest guvment office fo yo FREE shit!
Support Hillary
Usually, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my e-mail, but this one is too important.
This one has been circulating for months.
Please, keep it going!
To show your support for Hillary and to encourage her to run for President of the United States in 2008,please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail address list.
1. Bill
2. Chelsea
3.
This one has been circulating for months.
Please, keep it going!
To show your support for Hillary and to encourage her to run for President of the United States in 2008,please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail address list.
1. Bill
2. Chelsea
3.
Awful Black Jokes
And To Think, These Were Sent To Us By A Friend Who Just Happens To Be An American Of Hispanic Decent Married To An American Woman Of Color. Proving That Humor Has No Color.
Q: What happens when you stick you hand in a jar of jellybeans?
A: The black ones steal your watch.
Q: How do you start a black parade?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.
Q: Why do blacks bury their dead upside down?
A: Use em as bike racks.
Q: How did they improve the transportation in harlem?
A: Move the trees closer together.
Q: What did the black girl say while having sex?
A: Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.
Q: Why are black people like jelly beans?
A: No one likes the black ones.
Q: What do you call a school bus full of black people?
A: A rotten banana
Q: What was the only thing missing from the million man march?
A. An auctionner
Q: How long does it take a black lady to shit?
A: 9 months.
Q: What do you call 100 black guys buried from the neck down?
A: Afroturf.
Q: Why are blacks afried of lawnmowers?
A: Beacuse it gose run nigger nigger run.
Q: What do you call a barn full of blacks?
A: Antique farm equipment.
Q: What do u call a black priest?
A: Holy shit
Q: What does the BFI on the dumpsters stand for?
A: Black Family Inside
Q: Have you ever seen a black person on the jetsons?
A: NO. Looks like a good future doesn't it?
Q: What do you call a black person in a three piece suit?
A: Will the defendent please rise.
Q: What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your tv starts to float?
A: You turn on the lights and shoot the black people.
Q: What do you call 20,000 black people at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead black person in the road?
A: There's skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why are black people so good at Basketball?
A: Cause all you have to do is RUN ... SHOOT ... and STEAL
Q: What do you do if you see a black man flopping around on the ground?
A: Stop laughing and reload
Q: What Do You call Mike Tyson if he has no arms or legs?
A: Nigger, Nigger, Nigger!!!!
Q: What do you call a group of blacks in the ocean?
A: An oil spill
Q: What do you call a pool full of black kids?
A: Cocoa puffs
Q: What do you call a 80 year old black guy?
A: Antique farm equipment.
Q: Why do police dogs lick their balls?
A: To get the taste of negro out of thier mouths
Q: What happens when you stick you hand in a jar of jellybeans?
A: The black ones steal your watch.
Q: How do you start a black parade?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.
Q: Why do blacks bury their dead upside down?
A: Use em as bike racks.
Q: How did they improve the transportation in harlem?
A: Move the trees closer together.
Q: What did the black girl say while having sex?
A: Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.
Q: Why are black people like jelly beans?
A: No one likes the black ones.
Q: What do you call a school bus full of black people?
A: A rotten banana
Q: What was the only thing missing from the million man march?
A. An auctionner
Q: How long does it take a black lady to shit?
A: 9 months.
Q: What do you call 100 black guys buried from the neck down?
A: Afroturf.
Q: Why are blacks afried of lawnmowers?
A: Beacuse it gose run nigger nigger run.
Q: What do you call a barn full of blacks?
A: Antique farm equipment.
Q: What do u call a black priest?
A: Holy shit
Q: What does the BFI on the dumpsters stand for?
A: Black Family Inside
Q: Have you ever seen a black person on the jetsons?
A: NO. Looks like a good future doesn't it?
Q: What do you call a black person in a three piece suit?
A: Will the defendent please rise.
Q: What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your tv starts to float?
A: You turn on the lights and shoot the black people.
Q: What do you call 20,000 black people at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead black person in the road?
A: There's skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why are black people so good at Basketball?
A: Cause all you have to do is RUN ... SHOOT ... and STEAL
Q: What do you do if you see a black man flopping around on the ground?
A: Stop laughing and reload
Q: What Do You call Mike Tyson if he has no arms or legs?
A: Nigger, Nigger, Nigger!!!!
Q: What do you call a group of blacks in the ocean?
A: An oil spill
Q: What do you call a pool full of black kids?
A: Cocoa puffs
Q: What do you call a 80 year old black guy?
A: Antique farm equipment.
Q: Why do police dogs lick their balls?
A: To get the taste of negro out of thier mouths
Do Not Forward
For those of you who are sick to death of getting emails that tell you to forward to at least X number of people in the next 15 minutes so that wonderful things and miracles will happen if you do and there will be consequences if you don't, then you will enjoy this.
DO NOT FORWARD
DO NOT FORWARD
Friday, July 3, 2009
Mexican Eggs and Dumb Blondes
Two Mexicans are on one bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana.
One of the tires goes flat on the bike and they start hitching a lift back into town.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down.
Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.
The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican Eggs."
The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.'
One of the tires goes flat on the bike and they start hitching a lift back into town.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down.
Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.
The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican Eggs."
The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.'
Dwarfs Nuns Penguins and The Pope
The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' asks the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns inRome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and sil ences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they beginchanting......
"Grumpy screwed a penguin!''
"Grumpy screwed a penguin!"
''Grumpy screwed a penguin! '
'Grumpy, my son,' asks the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns inRome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and sil ences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they beginchanting......
"Grumpy screwed a penguin!''
"Grumpy screwed a penguin!"
''Grumpy screwed a penguin! '
Technical Support
We've All Spoken With This Technical Support Representative
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green .'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green , and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow ', this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
The Average American
The Average American
A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.
A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.
The Drunk and The Mop Bucket
The Drunk
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!’
''I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something
comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles”.
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says.
'You idiot!
......You're sitting on the mop bucket!'
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!’
''I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something
comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles”.
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says.
'You idiot!
......You're sitting on the mop bucket!'
Piss and Moan
Lawrence, Kansas
December 12, 2008
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.
December 12, 2008
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.
More BS From The EPA and the Obama Failure Machine
More Bull Shit From The EPA and the Obama Failure Machine
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wives Suck From Marks Just Jokes
You Heard it here...Wives Suck!
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
-Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Sigmund Freud
'
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
- Anonymous
'
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
-Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
-James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it
2. Whenever you're right, shut your mouth.
- Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
-Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.. Then we met.
-Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
-Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
-Anonymous
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
-Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Sigmund Freud
'
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
- Anonymous
'
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
-Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
-James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it
2. Whenever you're right, shut your mouth.
- Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
-Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.. Then we met.
-Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
-Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
-Anonymous
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Mississippi Rednecks On The Cutting Edge Of Technology
Mississippi at Cutting Edge
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they concluded that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in Pontotoc, Mississippi, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field near Black Zion, Bubba Ray Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mississippi had already gone Wireless.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they concluded that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in Pontotoc, Mississippi, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field near Black Zion, Bubba Ray Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mississippi had already gone Wireless.
Yearly Dementia Test
Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread..' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .)
Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany andWest Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus fromLondon to
Milford Haven in Wales .. In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. InSwansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread..' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .)
Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany andWest Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus fromLondon to
Milford Haven in Wales .. In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. InSwansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
GOD, Harleys and Women
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required, reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is difficult for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly h elp mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment. Why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required, reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is difficult for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly h elp mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment. Why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
