Just Jokes | Crotch Splinters

Splinters in Her Crotch .

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

This case of Obamacare denial brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Just Jokes | The Hollywood Squares Good Ole Humor

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A.Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him .

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

This good ole humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes.

Marks Just Jokes | The Most Useful Word In The English Language

WHAT IS THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD?

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...

Well, it's shit... That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,

And some days are just plain shitty..

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes your breath smells like shit

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day without a bunch of shit..
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN

Marks Just Jokes - The Newlyweds and Tiger Woods

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods.'

'Tiger Woods the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks his wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

'What are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.'

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'


More Tiger Woods Jokes Brought To You By Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes - Rest Assured Button

Rest Assured No One Give A Shit What You Think
Politically Incorrect Buttons Brought To You By Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes - Fast Cheap and Easy Button

If We Are What We Eat Then I'm Fast, Cheap & Easy

This funny button brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes - Aren't We A Ray Of Sunshine Button

Well, Aren't We Just A Ray Of Fucking Sunshine

Buttons of Joy you may not want to wear to the office tomorrow brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes - Murder At Wal-Mart

MURDER AT WAL-MART

I read in the paper the other day, tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

Marks Just Jokes - The Rabbi

The Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Finally, Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!"

Total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jacob, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I just mentioned to mein husband how nice it is that others were helping the Rabbi, and asked vat ve could do to help.

He said, "Fuck the Rabbi..."

Marks Just Jokes - :Picking Lemons

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chrysler's, and I voted for Obama.

How’s that for picking Lemons

Obama humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes - Just Fred

JUST FRED

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

Just great humor brought to you by Marks JUST JOKES

Marks Just Jokes On Tiger Woods And Blondes

In a survey conducted earlier this week, 1,000 American blondes were asked if they would sleep with Tiger Woods.

89 per cent said: "Never again."

More Tiger Woods Humor Brought To You By Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes - Two Business Men And Thier Assholes

Two businessmen in were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store, as yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior gentleman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Senior humor brought to you by Marks JUST JOKES

Marks Just Jokes Asks "Tired of Political Correction?"

CONSIDER THIS

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ...

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE'

More Political Incorrectness brouth to you by Marks JUST JOKES.

Marks Just Jokes Questions That Make You Wonder

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Questions That Make You Wonder Brought To By Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Government Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase..

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy, ' says the genie. 'You know-how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this, 'said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie

' 'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a 'goner' anyway!', the genie asks.

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! , I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen , And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare Gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...... 'I wish that no Matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

'If the government offers to help you , there's going to be a string attached."


More Hate Obama Socialism humor brought to you by Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes Christmas Ornaments Hang Obama

I went to Walmart and saw they had Obama Christmas ornaments... now ain't that a bitch?
Suddenly it's okay to hang a black man from a tree again.

I guess History does repeat itself HUH!

Marks Just Jokes Ralph and Edna - An Unstable Love Affair

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When sh e went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes, President Reagan, Nancy Reagan, John Hinckley, Jodie Foster, and Obama

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.

Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

* *To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

Marks Just Jokes

Marks Just Jokes, You May Be A Taliban If...Revised

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes..

3. You have more wives than teeth..

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States!

That's right, this political humor is brought to you by Marks Just Jokes